Back Stabbing Rat

I really love living in the Quarter, it's the first place in my entire life that I feel like I belong somewhere. I love the people, they are my family. I plan to spend the rest of my life here and someday I want all of these brilliant misfits second lining behind my horse drawn hearse bottles in hand dancing. I hope to look down upon a crowded Mollys on Toulouse at my loved ones raising glasses in toast to one of their own. As of now my reputation is in jeopardy due to the actions of my former business associate, the former owner and editor of Quarter Rat Magazine.

I am amazed at the loyalty and zeal of the fans of the publication. It's more than just a humorous magazine for the service industry, it's a cause of sorts. About a year and a half ago, the former editor and I decided to think big,  go for broke and full throttle to bring this bizarre beast to a national level in the form of an animated project. I had already started to develop the characters back in 2005 for a web comic named "BiNGE" Those characters worked perfect in the French Quarter and months were spent writing and drawing to bring this to a reality. 

I under estimated the criminal and evidently sociopathic mind of my former editor. I saw his street thug bullshit as a potential asset in the sell of this project. Like an ambitious street hustler looking to make a big score. A LEGITIMATE future for us and our daughters. A chance to set up our two daughters for life so they will never have to sling drinks for a living, never have to go hungry. I felt as if it was for a bigger cause, something epic, a chance to immortalize this incredible place. It wasn't just about us making it big, but a chance to salute our family here in the French Quarter. 

During the months of our labor (mostly mine) my editor somehow managed to garner the attention of a television executive who expressed interest in the project.  To produce the needed sizzle trailer of our proposed project, we needed time, software and help. And an investor. A very good friend of mine with a heart of gold and a belief in my talent offered to front the money for the means to make this a reality. About $20,000 went towards voice talent, a new computer, sound technicians and other costs to produce our seven minute reel. Professional animation can run anywhere from $3,000 - $5,000 per minute to produce. Ours was rough, but good enough to show the potential and to high light the talent of all involved.

CUT TO THE CHASE... My editor was full of shit. He didn't have any contacts with television people, it was a scam. About a month ago, this con started to come unraveled and he had to flee New Orleans like the preverbal rat. I guess there were warning signs, ashamedly I'll admit that I was used by this piece of shit to scam my other friend out of cash. I was hanging in the Apple Barrel with a buddy when one of the voice actors approached me to tell me that he still hadn't gotten paid for his work as the voice of Otis. I informed my editor of the oversight, which of course was never reconciled. Promised deadlines kept getting pushed back, more work was needed, a few more scripts were required by the imaginary television producer. I foolishly ignored the red flags. It seemed that after toiling on my dream for eight years, hard work and belief in myself was finally paying off.

Low life maggots like my former editor will eventually be found out. His personal life soon started to spin out of control from his compulsive deceit and the scam started to be revealed. He fled town. In the following weeks, I was approached by several other people whom he had screwed, lied to, stole from and I ended up holding the shit bag while the street thug slipped away like a thief in the night. 

I intend to stay here, unlike him, my reputation is important to me, friendships are a greater value than any amount of money. Now I am forced to do damage control to salvage my life, career and reputation.  The magazine is under new ownership and direction. The magazine is too important to too many people to allow it to disappear. The new owner is also in a position to distance the publication from the former owner. Evidently a few advertisers paid for ads under the previous management and they were never delivered.  I am sure that we have no true idea of the depths of deceit and criminal actions taken by the POS.

HOWEVER, under the new management things are looking good. Not in the bullshit con artist fashion promised by Daniel, but in real tangible ways. An overwhelming amount of support has come from the  ones who really are the magazine's strength. Former talented writers, sales people and an Quarter Rats have rallied around the flag. Not only will the publication survive, but it will flourish. Also, just recently legitimate television people have seen the trailer and wish to talk. Ironically, with out the negative criminal mind in control, the Quarter Rat is building up momentum towards a real future.

Daniel, I hope you get to read this. I blame myself for trusting you, my bad. However I still feel like the winner in this out come. I got to keep the French Quarter while you had to slink out of town in shame. I get to call these magnificent people my friends. You obviously have now idea what friends are, you only see people as marks to be used and taken advantage of. I take back what I said about you being a good father, far from it. You used your precious brilliant child to win over and scam people. A father's greatest responsibility is to instruct a child in ethics and honor. You have absolutely no concept of right from wrong. Like a true sociopath, incapable of any sense of decency or empathy. So slink back to whatever Floridian swamp trailer park that spawned your miserable sad ass. You turned out to be exactly like those low lifes out on the street selling fake drugs that you always made fun of. At least a real drug dealer has some integrity. 

My only recourse of retaliation against you will be my success. I vow Peter will get his money back, those actors will get paid and we in the Quarter will only vaguely remember your sorry existence with contempt. I am sure that you will eventually find your place in life, a prison cell.  Fuck you, you low life piece of shit.

Oh. That's what that switch on my wall goes to....

I mean, there had always been duct tape over it and marked "DO NOT TURN OFF! EVER!" I got bored. Flipped it off and looked around, I didn't see anything happen. I went out for my smokes and energy drinks during the game because the streets would be less crowded. Everybody had found their spot. Returning home I passed the Dive on Toulouse and Jet the doorman mentioned that my good friends Dawna and Jeff were in there. That's when I found out about the black out.

I could honestly say that in my entire life, I never cared about, watched or paid any attention to a Super Bowl game. Up until the lights went out. I stayed to have a beer and watch sports casters look panicked while trying to fill the time without letting the world know the are truly the dimmest bulbs in the dome. I chatted for a while with two of my favorite people about what a "DERP" this is. We went from the coolest city in America to a national joke in 27 minutes. As a Quarter Rat, I'm pissed.

For well over a year now, the business and residents have been living in a construction zone. A daily barrage of jackhammers, pavement grinding dinosaur sized machines, asphalt machines and trucks operating dawn till dusk. Street closure pretty much means that your store is closed that day too. We were told to suck it up, take one for this great city. We want to look our best for when the Super Bowl gets here. Just live with the hassle, we'll all be rich.

If I wasn't so lazy, I'd Google the company that did the blocks and blocks of slate sidewalks. I can't remember where exactly, but they were out of Wisconsin or some place like that. When I first read the lettering on the white dump trucks I thought that was odd that a cheese headed contractor from up there got a city contract down here. We have unemployed down here too. Most of the guys doing the work looked like they might have questionable citizenship. However, I am not one to profile or ever be called a crazy birther. Just ignore it all I thought. The city probably got Federal funds when the congressman from Wisconsin said ok, but only if a financial backer of his could get the contract to do some of the work. This is New Orleans, sugar.

Did anybody in the past year drop a dime of corporate money to at least inspect the electrical system of the Dome?  It is kind of a key piece of infrastructure if you plan to host a Superbowl. I am only guessing that it was completely overhauled after the storm.  Sure there has been many events at the Super Dome since then. None with this many cameras, news crews, vendors, and countless other small power draws.  I'm not an electrical engineer so I won't even pretend to know. I do know that I can't use my bathroom heater and microwave at the same time. It's been tested. Hey Mitch, you went from "Pimp-Daddy-Mayor of all cities" to the mayor of Mayberry in the blink of an eye.

Just curious, did anybody notice if the lights ever went off on the Mercedes logo. A whole lot of money was spent on the exterior strip club lighting. One cheerleader plugs in a hairdryer and we lose a grid. What is this? North Korea? All this effort to improve and to promote us for tourism. Promising US higher revenue. Now folks won't to come down here out of fears of rolling black outs and the plague of Bourbon Street STDs. 

This was our conversation at the Dive. I chuckled "Speaking of electrical, remember that light switch on my apartment wall covered thick with duct tape?" As a long time resident of the building her eyes widened. "YEA! The one marked "Never Ever Turn Off!" 

"Uhm, yea, something like that..." 

"My god, you didn't turn it off, did you?" 

"No, no, no, of course not. I was just curious as to what it was for?" 

"After the storm, they were gerry-rigging things all over the city. One day the Entergy guy needed to tap into a free line temporarily to keep a relay on at the transformer that controls something else somewhere else. Why?"

"Nothing, no reason, got to go."

Pull my chain

A week or so ago I was walking back on Canal from the ferry returning from a job interview. In the Quarter even with eye sight as bad as mine you can spot tourists two blocks away. Things like beads, souvenir cups, pointing, taking photos actually and stopping when asked about their shoes. One couple passed, each wearing Hard Rock Cafe shirt from two completely different cities. They had a bag filled with... Hard Rock Cafe NOLA shirts. I just don't get it .

I honestly go out of my way to be nice, even helpful. If I see a couple spinning a map around 360 degrees and each pointing in different direction, I will causally ask "Whatcha trying to find?" I'll admit I bite my lip when they say something like "Hard Rock" or "Bubba Gumps" I want to say in a condescending tone "WHY?" I've seen tourists walk out of a McDonalds. Save your air fare, I'm sure there's one closer to your suburban home. 

 At least go to Krystal Burger and look out the window.
You might get to see a felony being committed. 

I love this city. Like when you are introduced to friends and family of a loved one, you try to make a good impression. One time I found myself with Otis walking on a menacing dark Burgundy Street feeling like a film noir extras. Like a siren, the unmistakeably cackle of "Drunk girls giggling" is heard. We met at the intersection 3 grenade toting girls pledging a sorority that night, emerging out from the darkness. "What's down there?" one managed to blurt out between giggles pointing towards Rampart. Otis sternly warns. "Oh Sugar, you DO NOT want to go thata way. Turn around and go back towards Bourbon. Nothing on this side but trouble. Please go back to Bourbon." We stood for a moment to watch them turn and walk back towards the light. Not as creepy guys checking out booty, but like two dads watching our girls walk to the bus stop for the first time.

If you plan to live here for any length of time you must be resigned to question of WHEN you get jumped, not IF.  You got to look after the friends of the city you love. My point is, if they want fucking Bubba Gump, then go ahead. "BUT, might I recommend a favorite of the locals?""Oh yes please...." Eyes open wide in anticipation of a secret or good gossip. "Coop's Place on Decatur. The chef is missing two fingers from when he used to hunt gators in the Bayou. He figured cooking gators was easier and safer than catching them. Try the Jambalaya." It's up to them at that point. Perhaps the feel safer at Bubba's. 

The French Quarter is like hard liquor,
some folks can't handle too much at once. 

A recent public issue in the Quarter led to a separate discussion among Quarter Rats, "Are corporate national chain restaurants good for the French Quarter?" Purists insist such blights should be driven into the river like an invading hostile force. Landlords holding vacant buildings and unemployed kitchen staff differ. Personally, I detest all things corporate like that. The Clover Grill might be a little more expensive than a fast food chain, but so worth it. Do you know how many oppressed workers  must endure Jimmy Buffet music all day while being forced to wear an ugly shirt as a uniform? Inhumane working conditions by even third world standards.

Look at how many chains do attract visitors, Harrahs, House Of Blues, Marriott, Hard Rock. We almost never get ads from them, no hard feelings. Tourists don't read us, locals do. We send people to the hard knock cafes on Decatur and Burgundy Streets.  I've seen what can happen. Hip, chic and slightly dangerous artsy neighborhoods homesteaded by 21st century beatniks who move in and make an area worthwhile. Ten years later it's all Starbucks and pretentious franchisees that the artists can no longer afford. It's not easy adjusting your budget from squatter to $2,400 a month.

Corporate imperialism, happens all of the time up North.

Folks buy expensive homes and condos on Esplanade and then yell at the brass band to keep it down. They have money and influence. So much in fact, they use it to destroy what makes their investment so valuable. Dumb fucks. Those of you not familiar with the corner of Esplanade and Rampart, there's this abandoned 1930's canopied gas station with a green Spanish tile roof. Classic building covered with plywood and graffiti. Habana Outpost from New York City wants to open up another restaurant on that location. Rampart needs something to improve it. For even street wise local, the area is sketchy. One of those "we have a web site community groups" of property owners near the proposed Cuban food establishment are fighting it tooth and nail. 

Arguments of scarce parking are moot to my ears. Most every weekend there is a festival of some sort when a parking space is as rare as a virgin in the Quarter. Noise? You chose to buy property in the heart of the Jazz capital of the world, STFU. Prefer the unoccupied building as a neighbor? I can tell you first hand it's a great place to take a piss and hit the pipe on the return from a night in the Marigny. I'll give up my convenience for the good of the city, because I love her. 

We all make concessions to live here.

The majority of Quarter Rats seem to lean towards the development. A safer and cleaner Rampart, the no man's land, the forbidden zone after dark. It would be a great anchor of development for the area. A safe stepping stone between the Quarter and the Marigny / Bywater action. A main thoroughfare into the Quarter that now is like a beautiful face with one front tooth missing. Someone wants to replace it with a gold  tooth let him. It's been vacant for years, I haven't seen any local investors jumping on it. You want genuine French Quarta? Ok, NO MONEY to invest. That's real.

More than a half million spent on the property, at least another quarter million in construction jobs to renovate it. Fifteen to twenty full time employees and a reason for the next empty building on Rampart to be a safer gamble.  Sorry if the delivery truck idleing outside your window while you try to sleep off a hangover is waking you up.  I choose to deal with a fucking steam calliope playing "Helter Skelter" at 8 am. STFU.

I never even heard of Habana Outpost until I saw a bunch of signs protesting them. Nice protest guys, I just became a supporter of your opposition. I never even knew about it until you pointed it out. Derp. Habana appears to be one of those kinder, cooler business owners. Hippie capitalists who are environmentally conscious, community centric that treats being a good  commercial neighbor as a responsibility. The love of people, great food, great music, no, they don't belong here. You don't want neighbors like this? Move uptown or STFU. 

Are you a NOLA purest who despise any corporate chains from out of town? Would you fault a local favorite if they had an opportunity in New York City? Imagine how proud we would be if Camellia Grill opened up in Brooklyn. No one complains if a well known local business has a dozen convenient locations in the Quarter. Do they define us?

Our leading industry is tourism.

The customers define the needs.

Quarter Rat Magazine Covers

I'm back

It's been a very long time since I have blogged. My creative juices have all been directed towards the irrigation of our animation project.  For months every waking moment has been devoted to drawing, animating, creating, discussing or just thinking about "BiNGE, Bourbon and Beyond" Again, be careful of what you wish for. I first started this project about 8 years ago.  Months of being creative on demand takes it's toll. I like sex but I don't want it 12 hours a day with a half a dozen completions. I might still be able to do it for one weekend, but don't expect me to show up for work on Monday. 

We started this endeavor just as hurricane Isaac hit, and it's in final edit now.  I won't go into the technicalities of it all. Just  a lot of friggin drawing. Otis surprised me with his directorial abilities. A real leader who knew what he wanted and got it from the actors and artists. An overwhelming amount of work, co-ordination and ambition to get it this far.  I have met many people who call themselves artists or filmakers, but seldom got past just talking about it.  We may have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours to find it won't go anywhere. Still, we tried and I think that alone makes us a success. 

Thank you to everyone who has provided talent to make this possible. The actors, artists, sound and production people for contributing their talent and time. Thank you to everyone else who have asked about it and have been encouraging us. We'll keep you posted as more comes out. Expect a sneak preview with in a few weeks. 

Disney sucks mouse balls

I despise Disney. I know that sounds blasphemous to most every human on the planet, but I do. I will always give them credit for superb animation and art, but that's it. I find the whole huge multinational corporation and endless merchandising to be the perfect example of everything wrong with the entertainment industry. A small group of  unimaginative money grubbing businessmen rehashing worn out bullshit stories not for the sake of art, but for year end profits.

I remember back in the 1960's watching the "Wonderful World of Disney" every Sunday evening at about 7 pm. Back then the show was hosted by the creepy founder Walt himself. Some weeks it was a nature film about fun loving adventures of animals in the wild. What they would do is take a couple of bear cubs from a tranquilized mother bear (off camera) and let the cubs loose in the woods and follow them and film. The hapless cubs would fall into rivers, get sprayed by skunks,  get dropped onto a bee hive, and wrestle with a porcupine in the name of family entertainment.  Then for the humorous climax the producers would lock one cub in an abandoned cabin and film it tearing apart the place to find it's mother. When they got enough footage they would release the surviving cub and mother back into the wild.  Walt Disney was a cold hearted mother fucker.

Some of the better stories are the ones he bought up and animated, later years they were just stealing old fables that no one owned rights to and the Disney staff would warp into their own formulated tripe. What's with the constant theme of magic? You don't have to be a Southern Bible Thumper to have to ask why all of the occult bullshit? Magic crickets, magic brooms, genies, spells, witches.... what are you sickoes with instant access to children up to over there? Walt was a real prick to work for also. Supposedly he would make his employees punch out if they had to use the bathroom while at work, they weren't allowed to have facial hair but he could.  No wonder his animators went on strike in 1941. I would delight in playing kickball with his frozen head on Bourbon Street in the middle of summer.   

I was never crazy about my daughter watching Disney films, it wasn't an evangelical Christian thing as much as almost all of the plots are so negative. Stories about princesses. The underlying messages for young girls is "Look hot, disobey your parents and some rich guy will marry you." Sorry Walt, I know my daughter is capable of being much more than a trophy wife for some inbred member of nobility. Most everybody who doesn't have even a half of a brain will be quick to defend the Disney empire by exclaiming "Oh, it's so family friendly." Is it? Are you serious? Yea, family friendly where most of the stories begin with the mother being dead. A child's absolute worst nightmare is the opening premise for most Disney plots.

 Bellow are only some of his "Family Friendly Cartoons." I had to look up the plots on line, they all seem to have common themes.

•  1937 - Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: Both real parents dead, raised by a sadistic step mother who wants to kill her. She runs away and shacks up with seven strangers. The seven dwarfs track down and kill the stepmother, later Snow White is awaken by a prince who is trying to have sex with her unconscious body, she marries him.

• 1940 – Pinocchio: No parents, created by a creepy old man and the occult.

• 1941 - Dumbo: No father, mother is thrown in jail for her violent temper, humans are bad.

• 1942 – Bambi: Mother shot and killed in front of child, humans are bad.

• 1950 – Cinderella: Mother is dead, father dies later. Girl is raised by a dysfunctional step family. She gets “saved” by a wealthy man with a foot fetish because she looks hot.

• 1951 - Alice in Wonderland: Real life is boring, do drugs.

• 1953 - Peter Pan: Parents are assholes, run away from home.

• 1959 - Sleeping Beauty: Again, hot young woman, date rape drugs and wealthy men.

• 1967 - The Jungle Book: An orphan is raised by wild animals, humans are bad.

• 1981 - The Fox and the Hound: Orphaned Fox, humans are bad, yadda yadda…

• 1988 - Oliver & Company: Orphaned kitten in the big city, not too manipulative.

• 1989 - The Little Mermaid: Asshole father, Hot Princess daughter and the occult

• 1991- Beauty and the Beast: Dead mother, idiot father, and the occult. Hot daughter runs away with an ugly man who has money.

• 1992 – Aladdin: Dead mother, idiot father, and the occult. Hot Princess daughter runs away with a good looking man who is a thief and a liar.

• 1994 - The Lion King: Father gets killed by the uncle, son runs away and lives with deadbeats.

• 1995 – Pocahontas: Hot Princess daughter, asshole father, she disobeys him and lives happily ever after.

• 1996 - The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Mother murdered, non occult religion bad.

• 1999 – Tarzan: Both parents dead, humans bad.

• 2002 - Lilo & Stitch: More dead parents, aliens are good.

• 2003 - Finding Nemo: Mother and siblings all killed, raised by an idiot father, humans are bad.

I pretty much stopped my research at this point. I was numb with disbelief that these people make billions annually. I know nothing about what they have done with live action films and in television since I have avoided film and television industry for over a decade. I really don't want to waste anymore time looking into it. These are the same people that created the atrocity known as Hannah Montana, right? That kind of sums up how the corporation views little girls. Today's princess is tomorrow's stripper. (With an idiot father)

Perhaps some may be offended by my observations of America's greatest entertainment mogul, too bad. I am sure that they are the same people who eat McDonalds twice a week, always have at least two liters of Coke-Cola in the fridge, wear Nike sneakers and visit the "Magic Kingdom" every single year because there is no other place on Earth worthy of traveling to. Enough said.

 

HELP WANTED

VOICE ACTORS NEEDED

Otis and I have been kicking around a couple of ideas for a while. Recent free time and moments of panic have convinced us to go ahead full throttle on our animation project "Life of a Quarter Rat."  We want everything to be lined up when the light turns green. We are going to need professional voice actors. Looking for those with comedic abilities, improvisational skills and multiple voices.

PAID

It's in the budget. None of this Craiglist bullshit where some one wants you to give your talent and labor on their project with only a vague promise a full time gig. This animation project was first conceived and started back in 2005, it's not just something flung together based on an bar room idea.

Quarter Rat Animation needs talented, funny and versatile local actors to get paid for one possibly two days in the studio. This is our pilot episode. Professionals who will be there when expected or better have very good reasons if they aren't. Not looking for cartoon voices, but animated. If you know the differance contact us. No more than 5 or 6 actors will be needed, fewer if we find the right people.  Pay bumps for the ability to do multiple voices.

bingecomic@hotmail.com

If interested contact us at the above E-mail address, and we'll send you some character monologues to audition with. Or just send your own audition track (MP3 or something easily opened) with what you can do, resume, and do we really have to say this? No head shots.