Easter Special

I have had people tell me "Oh you shouldn't publish your scripts on the internet, someone might steal them..." Well, once it appears on the web it's considered "Published Material" and therefore becomes copy written automatically. Besides if some one steals this one script idea, fine. I have hundreds more in my head and they obviously have none.

Thinking about animated series, I noticed they all do Holiday episodes. Charlie Brown has Christmas, Simpsons have Halloween, what's left? There hasn't been a good Easter cartoon since Davy and Goliath went off the air. This script is kind of like that.

"J.H.C."

Quarter Rat Easter Script

Starts with a sunrise service of a guy dressed as "The DUDE Lebowski" delivering the sermon on the mound speech on the river levee in the Quarter. Large group watching, including Lance, Jody and Binge. Everyone has cups and joints.


After the service the part take in the "Homeless Easter Egg Hunt" Everyone leaves money in brightly colored eggs around the Quarter for the homeless to find. Of course Binge drops his in disgusting places to be mean. Later it turns out he needs money quick or he's going to get his ass kicked. In desperation he is forced to dig through donkey crap, reach into urnials, and empty a soiled condom in order to cover his debt. The Dude keeps popping up with words about karma.

Leaving the hunt, Lance and Jody start to discuss brunch plans as the walk down the sidewalk.  Ahead of them is a diner. Suddenly the windows explode from gun fire.

Lance
I love the omelets at this place. Last time...

SFX
Pop pop pop
Glass shattering,
voices yelling angrily.

Lance pushes Jody between two parked SUVs,
shields her as he does.
Cut to the two between vehicles.

SFX
More shots, 
yells.

Lance
Ok, the diner is out. Where do you want to go?

SFX
Automatic gunfire burst

Jody
Frenchman sounds good right about now...

Lance
Frenchman? That's too far. How about some wings at "Daddy's Little Girl?"

Jody
You have got to be kidding?It is Easter Morning,

I am not going to a strip club for chicken wings. Try again big spender.

SFX Police sirens, horses galloping,
helicopters circling, bullhorns of cops
yelling DROP THE WEAPON
plays in the background of this
mundane conversation of a couple.

Lance
You know you love their hot wings and Bloody Maries.
Think about it, it will be the only place in the Quarter this morning not swamped by loud families
with out of control kids that you despise and always end up ruining your dining experience.

Jody
And you want to look at boobies on Easter.

Lance
They have them painted as Easter eggs.

The two return to the sidewalk as gurneys are pushed past by EMS.

Cut to the interior of "Daddy's Lil Girl" club.
Both Lance and Jody have a huge plate of
wings and six Bloody Marys in front of them.

Lance
And three for one drinks.

Jody
(eating) These wings should have been at the last supper....

Dancers walk around with boobs painted like
brightly colored Easter eggs and bunny ears.
Jody rolls her eyes in disdain. Lance smirks.

A skinny, goofy dancer with bunny ears
and HUGE bucked teeth hops up to Jody.

Goofy dancer
Having fun? Enjoying your Easter?

Jody looks up, bursts out with stoned laughing.
Points to goofy dancer.

Jody

I LOVE the fake teeth. Totally works, Lance give her a dollar just for the extra effort in her bunny costume....

A shocked, hurt and tearful dancer looks
at Jody as her trembling hand removes the ears.
Tears roll down her cheeks.

Goofy Dancer
Just the ears and the boobs are fake. These are my real teeth... (Bursts into crying)

Dancer scurries off.
Jody sits there dumbfounded in embarrassment.

Lance
Damn girl, why ya such a hater?

Jody
OH MY GAWD! I did not mean that! I thought she was wearing those fake goofy teeth from the Mardi Gras Depot.
I never would have believed that a human could grow such appendages. Never in a million years would I ever...

Lance
You just hate her because she's skinny with fake boobs. Admit it.

You saw her flaw and you zeroed in on it to rip her apart.

Jody

I did not! I was complimenting her efforts in a costume...

Lance
Let me bring Zoey over here so you can make fun of her big nose.
Or lets wait for Daisey to take the stage with her club foot....
Ya know, these dancers are people too, they have feelings.
They are not just pieces of meat for you to inspect and criticize...

Jody
Stop it! I feel so bad right now. I made a dancer cry on Easter, I am going to hell.

Lance
Jesus died for dancers too. I read on line they had BRONZE poles back then.

Goofy Dancer is sobbing in the background.
Second Dancer Zoey scurries over to Goofy
and comforts her.

Jody
I feel so bad right now...

Zoey
What happened?

Goofy Dancer
The fat bitch made fun of my teeth!

Both dancers scowl at Jody.

Jody
Never mind, I don't feel so bad right now.

Twinkles the dancer comes up to Lance.
She is wearing a white toga and a tinsel
"Crown of thorns."

Twinkles
Hey Lancey Pants! Going to stick around for our Easter Show? I play Hey Zeus!

Jody
Oh gawd! Could today get anymore blasphemous?

Twinkles
We have a cross thingy on stage and Athena will be playing a Roman Soldier....

Jody
Answers that question.

Athena walks up dressed as a sexy Roman soldier / Dominatrix.

Athena
Oh Hi Lance and what her name. Have you seen the Binge?
Tell him that I miss my play toy and I want to model some new outfits for him.

Lance
What's the real reason?

Athena
(Abruptly angry, not seductive)
That sorry piece of dried DNA borrowed two hundred from me and hasn't paid me back yet.
Can you believe that I got taken by that wad of stupidity?
I mean if I let it slide and word got out, I'd have everyman in the Quarter owing me money.
That would be hundreds of men thinking that they can take advantage of innocent women. Tell Binge I'm looking for him.

Jody
We know. He's a jerk.

Lance
So, now you're attacking my friends now?

Athena
How dare you talk crap about one of the men who love me?

Lance
Tell me about it. She's been like this all morning. She even made fun of Zoey's nose.

Jody
I did not make fun of that dancer's huge nose...

Jody turns to see Zoey standing behind her.
Jody cringes.

Zoey
Gawd Lance! What do you see in this bitch?

Lance
Starting ask myself that today too....

Twinkles
Promise you'll stay for the show? I'll wave to ya from the wooden thingy.

Lance
Of course I promise.

They pinky promise.

Twinkles and Athena start to exit

Athena
I think I left my flog in the VIP room last night...

Jody starts to stand

Jody
Can we go now?

Lance
(turning to the crowd)
Hey everybody, she got drunk, embarrassed herself, now she wants me to break a pinky promise with Twinkles....

Group
Booooo!

Jody sits in humiliation.
Binge flops down besides her.

Binge
Hey guys! Sure I'll join you.
(to bartender) Yea Bonnie, three of my usual, on his tab. What's new?

Lance
Well, I'm just trying to celebrate the most important and holiest Christian holiday, but Jody has ruined it by insulting all of the dancers.

You always ask why she has no hot single friends to hook you up with. She has none, this is why other women hate her so much.

Binge
Did she make fun of Daisy's foot? (disgust) Of all days too.

This day is not about hate, we honor the death and erection of our Lord and Taylor.
But haters must hate. I told you dude, you never see this side of them until after you marry them.
You take her out for a traditional Easter morning breakfast and she starts calling Daisy "Hoof-Foot"

Daisy
(Walking up) WHO called me "Hoof - foot?"

Binge
She did.

Daisey
Better hope I don't follow you into the ladies room.
You'll get a hoof up the ass...

Jody
But I DIDN'T!

Daisey
You know, I dance in front of hundreds of men a day. They never mention it.
Men like Binge are sensitive towards women feelings.
I don't know such a sweet man could be friends with such a witch.


Binge
I'm starting to ask myself that too lately sweetheart.

Bonnie the bartender over hears
conversation as she's bringing Binge his drinks.

Bonnie
Gingers have no souls...

Jody is furious by this point how everyone is attacking
her for something she didn't mean. She snaps at Bonnie.

Jody
At least my hair and boobs are real!

Dead silence falls over the club.
Music stops, lights stop blinking.
Dancer stops mid slide, everyone
stares shocked at Jody.

Bonnie
(enraged and in tears)
OH RUB IT IN!

Bonnie rips off her wig to show a shaved head.

Bonnie
I had hair as beautiful as yours until I lost it FROM CHEMO!

Jody's jaw drops.

Bonnie
(shot from back)
You want to know for what?

Rips open her blouse and two falsies pop out,
Binge catches one holds it up like a prize.

Bonnie
BREAST CANCER!

Binge and Lance slide down each direction away from Jody.
Pretend they don't know her.
Lance takes off his wedding ring and slips it into his pocket.

Jody starts to convulse, beet red, eyes tearing up, trembling.

Bonnie's falsey slides down the bar from Binge,
stops in front of Jody. She looks down,
Binge drew a sad face crying on it.

Lance
Oh, that reminds me, man... you better get out of here. A woman you love wants to kill you.

Binge
Can you be a little more specific?

Suddenly a Roman spear flies past all three and sticks in the wall.

Binge

Athena?