Easter Special

I have had people tell me "Oh you shouldn't publish your scripts on the internet, someone might steal them..." Well, once it appears on the web it's considered "Published Material" and therefore becomes copy written automatically. Besides if some one steals this one script idea, fine. I have hundreds more in my head and they obviously have none.

Thinking about animated series, I noticed they all do Holiday episodes. Charlie Brown has Christmas, Simpsons have Halloween, what's left? There hasn't been a good Easter cartoon since Davy and Goliath went off the air. This script is kind of like that.

"J.H.C."

Quarter Rat Easter Script

Starts with a sunrise service of a guy dressed as "The DUDE Lebowski" delivering the sermon on the mound speech on the river levee in the Quarter. Large group watching, including Lance, Jody and Binge. Everyone has cups and joints.


After the service the part take in the "Homeless Easter Egg Hunt" Everyone leaves money in brightly colored eggs around the Quarter for the homeless to find. Of course Binge drops his in disgusting places to be mean. Later it turns out he needs money quick or he's going to get his ass kicked. In desperation he is forced to dig through donkey crap, reach into urnials, and empty a soiled condom in order to cover his debt. The Dude keeps popping up with words about karma.

Leaving the hunt, Lance and Jody start to discuss brunch plans as the walk down the sidewalk.  Ahead of them is a diner. Suddenly the windows explode from gun fire.

Lance
I love the omelets at this place. Last time...

SFX
Pop pop pop
Glass shattering,
voices yelling angrily.

Lance pushes Jody between two parked SUVs,
shields her as he does.
Cut to the two between vehicles.

SFX
More shots, 
yells.

Lance
Ok, the diner is out. Where do you want to go?

SFX
Automatic gunfire burst

Jody
Frenchman sounds good right about now...

Lance
Frenchman? That's too far. How about some wings at "Daddy's Little Girl?"

Jody
You have got to be kidding?It is Easter Morning,

I am not going to a strip club for chicken wings. Try again big spender.

SFX Police sirens, horses galloping,
helicopters circling, bullhorns of cops
yelling DROP THE WEAPON
plays in the background of this
mundane conversation of a couple.

Lance
You know you love their hot wings and Bloody Maries.
Think about it, it will be the only place in the Quarter this morning not swamped by loud families
with out of control kids that you despise and always end up ruining your dining experience.

Jody
And you want to look at boobies on Easter.

Lance
They have them painted as Easter eggs.

The two return to the sidewalk as gurneys are pushed past by EMS.

Cut to the interior of "Daddy's Lil Girl" club.
Both Lance and Jody have a huge plate of
wings and six Bloody Marys in front of them.

Lance
And three for one drinks.

Jody
(eating) These wings should have been at the last supper....

Dancers walk around with boobs painted like
brightly colored Easter eggs and bunny ears.
Jody rolls her eyes in disdain. Lance smirks.

A skinny, goofy dancer with bunny ears
and HUGE bucked teeth hops up to Jody.

Goofy dancer
Having fun? Enjoying your Easter?

Jody looks up, bursts out with stoned laughing.
Points to goofy dancer.

Jody

I LOVE the fake teeth. Totally works, Lance give her a dollar just for the extra effort in her bunny costume....

A shocked, hurt and tearful dancer looks
at Jody as her trembling hand removes the ears.
Tears roll down her cheeks.

Goofy Dancer
Just the ears and the boobs are fake. These are my real teeth... (Bursts into crying)

Dancer scurries off.
Jody sits there dumbfounded in embarrassment.

Lance
Damn girl, why ya such a hater?

Jody
OH MY GAWD! I did not mean that! I thought she was wearing those fake goofy teeth from the Mardi Gras Depot.
I never would have believed that a human could grow such appendages. Never in a million years would I ever...

Lance
You just hate her because she's skinny with fake boobs. Admit it.

You saw her flaw and you zeroed in on it to rip her apart.

Jody

I did not! I was complimenting her efforts in a costume...

Lance
Let me bring Zoey over here so you can make fun of her big nose.
Or lets wait for Daisey to take the stage with her club foot....
Ya know, these dancers are people too, they have feelings.
They are not just pieces of meat for you to inspect and criticize...

Jody
Stop it! I feel so bad right now. I made a dancer cry on Easter, I am going to hell.

Lance
Jesus died for dancers too. I read on line they had BRONZE poles back then.

Goofy Dancer is sobbing in the background.
Second Dancer Zoey scurries over to Goofy
and comforts her.

Jody
I feel so bad right now...

Zoey
What happened?

Goofy Dancer
The fat bitch made fun of my teeth!

Both dancers scowl at Jody.

Jody
Never mind, I don't feel so bad right now.

Twinkles the dancer comes up to Lance.
She is wearing a white toga and a tinsel
"Crown of thorns."

Twinkles
Hey Lancey Pants! Going to stick around for our Easter Show? I play Hey Zeus!

Jody
Oh gawd! Could today get anymore blasphemous?

Twinkles
We have a cross thingy on stage and Athena will be playing a Roman Soldier....

Jody
Answers that question.

Athena walks up dressed as a sexy Roman soldier / Dominatrix.

Athena
Oh Hi Lance and what her name. Have you seen the Binge?
Tell him that I miss my play toy and I want to model some new outfits for him.

Lance
What's the real reason?

Athena
(Abruptly angry, not seductive)
That sorry piece of dried DNA borrowed two hundred from me and hasn't paid me back yet.
Can you believe that I got taken by that wad of stupidity?
I mean if I let it slide and word got out, I'd have everyman in the Quarter owing me money.
That would be hundreds of men thinking that they can take advantage of innocent women. Tell Binge I'm looking for him.

Jody
We know. He's a jerk.

Lance
So, now you're attacking my friends now?

Athena
How dare you talk crap about one of the men who love me?

Lance
Tell me about it. She's been like this all morning. She even made fun of Zoey's nose.

Jody
I did not make fun of that dancer's huge nose...

Jody turns to see Zoey standing behind her.
Jody cringes.

Zoey
Gawd Lance! What do you see in this bitch?

Lance
Starting ask myself that today too....

Twinkles
Promise you'll stay for the show? I'll wave to ya from the wooden thingy.

Lance
Of course I promise.

They pinky promise.

Twinkles and Athena start to exit

Athena
I think I left my flog in the VIP room last night...

Jody starts to stand

Jody
Can we go now?

Lance
(turning to the crowd)
Hey everybody, she got drunk, embarrassed herself, now she wants me to break a pinky promise with Twinkles....

Group
Booooo!

Jody sits in humiliation.
Binge flops down besides her.

Binge
Hey guys! Sure I'll join you.
(to bartender) Yea Bonnie, three of my usual, on his tab. What's new?

Lance
Well, I'm just trying to celebrate the most important and holiest Christian holiday, but Jody has ruined it by insulting all of the dancers.

You always ask why she has no hot single friends to hook you up with. She has none, this is why other women hate her so much.

Binge
Did she make fun of Daisy's foot? (disgust) Of all days too.

This day is not about hate, we honor the death and erection of our Lord and Taylor.
But haters must hate. I told you dude, you never see this side of them until after you marry them.
You take her out for a traditional Easter morning breakfast and she starts calling Daisy "Hoof-Foot"

Daisy
(Walking up) WHO called me "Hoof - foot?"

Binge
She did.

Daisey
Better hope I don't follow you into the ladies room.
You'll get a hoof up the ass...

Jody
But I DIDN'T!

Daisey
You know, I dance in front of hundreds of men a day. They never mention it.
Men like Binge are sensitive towards women feelings.
I don't know such a sweet man could be friends with such a witch.


Binge
I'm starting to ask myself that too lately sweetheart.

Bonnie the bartender over hears
conversation as she's bringing Binge his drinks.

Bonnie
Gingers have no souls...

Jody is furious by this point how everyone is attacking
her for something she didn't mean. She snaps at Bonnie.

Jody
At least my hair and boobs are real!

Dead silence falls over the club.
Music stops, lights stop blinking.
Dancer stops mid slide, everyone
stares shocked at Jody.

Bonnie
(enraged and in tears)
OH RUB IT IN!

Bonnie rips off her wig to show a shaved head.

Bonnie
I had hair as beautiful as yours until I lost it FROM CHEMO!

Jody's jaw drops.

Bonnie
(shot from back)
You want to know for what?

Rips open her blouse and two falsies pop out,
Binge catches one holds it up like a prize.

Bonnie
BREAST CANCER!

Binge and Lance slide down each direction away from Jody.
Pretend they don't know her.
Lance takes off his wedding ring and slips it into his pocket.

Jody starts to convulse, beet red, eyes tearing up, trembling.

Bonnie's falsey slides down the bar from Binge,
stops in front of Jody. She looks down,
Binge drew a sad face crying on it.

Lance
Oh, that reminds me, man... you better get out of here. A woman you love wants to kill you.

Binge
Can you be a little more specific?

Suddenly a Roman spear flies past all three and sticks in the wall.

Binge

Athena?

Big Weekend

I'm goin' down to New Orleans to see about a friend of mine

Down in New Orleans good peoples they's hard to find

I bet he's making gumbo and drinkin' homemade wine

A jukebox shakin' and breakin' down in New Orleans

 I'll be the highest hillbilly that Bourbon Street has ever seen

 Kid Rock

Although there's not much planned for this weekend in the French Quarter, I'm looking forward to it. The rest of the month we have French Quarter Fest (April 12th to 15th)  and Jazzfest (April 27th to May 08th.) Any local will tell you if you have company coming in to visit the Quarter, do it on a weekend when theres not an idiot convention in town. Last week was miserable with Kentucky fans.

I know its how we make our money in the French Quarter. Doctors make their money from sick people, it doesn't mean that they enjoy being around them all day. Dealing with people with contagious diseases, incoherent, comatose, bleeding, vomiting and lying in their own bodily waste, doctors and Quarter Rats call these people customers.

Except for a SLUTWALK and a few other smaller events, this should be a quiet weekend. Fortunately this is the weekend that my big brother from Las Vegas will be in town for a few days. My brother is about 11 years older than me so we never really spent a lot of time together growing up. When he was 17 he joined the U.S.A.F. for twenty years and settled in Vegas for retirement.  I was trying to remember today if he and I have ever sat a bar together, I really never remember drinking with him.  We have about 30 years of catching to do, I think the Quarter is the perfect place to start.

I'm really looking forward to showing off the French Quarter like she was my hot new girlfriend. Compiling lists of where to take him for food, booze and history.  Where do you start? Of course Bourbon Street the first night, I'm thinking Frenchman Street on Saturday then he might be ready for Lower D on Sunday.  Molly's, WW2 museum, Molly's, Clover Grill, Molly's, ferry to Old Algiers for a couple beers and a couple hundred other "must do's."

I mention the impending visit to a property manager that I was doing some work for today "How do you show someone who lives in Vegas a good time?" I asked. Sam, a many generation local who is very bright and well traveled replied. "Vegas is what it is, what makes New Orleans different from every place else is the history and the people." I'll try to make it a point not just to show my visitor the hundreds of landmarks, but introduce him to as many of my local friends as I can.  That is for me the best part of the French Quarter, the people. Keep an eye open for us, even though he kind of looks like a cop, he's cool, he's with a Quarter Rat.

And if you're payin' for fun a french quarters really all you need

K.R

It's been a while

Dawna downstairs at Glass Magick brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. I can't say that nothing is new, this is the French Quarter. On second thought, this is the Quarter, nothing here is new.  Since I moved to the French Quarter last summer, I've fallen into a very pleasant routine. I can't remember life in the stale suburbs of New Jersey or I blocked it from my memory like some sort of childhood trauma involving a creepy scoutmaster.  Occasionally I do get out of the Quarter for a painting job as I have been for a couple of weeks working with my friend Cornell on an apartment building in Harrahan.

Early morning walks up Bourbon Street to meet Cornell on Canal Street in front of the recently renovated JOY Theater to pick me up. I make it a point to say "Good Morning" to the statue of  Ignatius J. Reilly.  Bourbon Street at 7:00 am is busy with Quarter Rats cleaning up from the previous night's battle and rearming itself for the next night. Dozens of beer and liquor trucks with two men each delivering fresh ammo. Produce and food service trucks making deliveries as the morning crews hose off the icy slick brick sidewalks. The well worn bricks offer as much traction as packed snow when they get wet.  If that doesn't present enough of a challenge to pedestrians, every step is aimed to avoid  stepping in a crater of missing water meter covers or paving bricks. There are at least five potential personal injury lawsuits per block. Either the city doesn't care or never pays claims.

Early one morning about 4:30 am I was up and out of smokes. Like most people awake at that hour my main concern was feeding my addiction. At four in the morning however there would be people outside willing to kill to support their given habit.  I strolled down Bourbon to find a place open with nicotine as barbacks dragged dozens of bottle clattering garbage cans out to the curb.  Large rodents scurried about grabbing up dropped pizza crusts and chicken bones.  I watched my back for any thug that might dart out from the shadows of a doorway to clock me in the head with a beer bottle with one hand as his other hand went for my wallet.  I also had to watch my step as I navigated around numerous puddles of vomit.  I looked down at a bright pink rice filled pile of vomit and commented to myself "Someone had Gumbo and Hurricanes last night."

Across Bourbon Street a van was parked with it's doors open and a thick hose led into a darkened strip club as the inside of the van whined with noise. Upholstery cleaner. He might be there for the rugs, but the odds are that right now at 4:30 am some poor guy was cleaning dried semen stains off of a red velor couch in the VIP room. Mike Rowe from the television show "Dirty Jobs" wouldn't last a day here.

Locked in a room down in New Orleans

The Doobie Brothers - Toulouse Street

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the scrap bin

I have been showing you the artwork for the proposed animation project. We have been doing an equal part writing that you haven't seen yet. Each script runs about 23 minutes. So far we have a solid dozen 1/2 hour scripts written with another season's worth bouncing around in my noodle. This idea for an episode came from my constant chronic viewing on line of news and YOUTUBE videos. A 2012 end of the world type of story line. Dark and macabre to say the least.

You won't be getting an animated series of Star Wars parodies or constant references to pop culture with our show. How would one work the end of the world into a season? It struck me, make it the very first episode. The second episode would start of "THREE YEARS EARLIER."

 LAST EPISODE FIRST

Binge walks up Bourbon St towards Polly's Pub.
Cut to inside. A customer is flailing about holding
his one hand and screaming in pain.
Brutal is shaking a heavy beer mug motioning towards the door.

BRUTAL
GO ON! If you come back here with da cops I'll break your other nine in front of them you ASSHOLE!

The crying customer staggers out the door as Binge
comes whistling in the other. Binge sits down.
Brutal calmly speaks as if nothing had happened.

BRUTAL
Ah Binge, thank you.

BINGE
What for?

BRUTAL
You just upped my averages up for the Night.

BINGE
Howso?

BRUTAL
Now it's TWO assholes per hour. What can I getchya?

BINGE
Just a shot of the usual.

BRUTAL
Ya knows da rule for you. Pay up first, then I pour da shot.

BINGE
Brutal, I am deeply offended my friend, hurt.
Why such unfounded paranoia in the quality of my understood personality , my character?

BRUTAL
You are an Asshole.

BINGE
Ouch, that hurt a lot. Which is what I had to say to Athena last night.
Want to hear what happened the other night at her place?

BRUTAL
Yea? Sure...

As Binge goes into the following monologue
Brutal starts absently minded reaches for a
bottle and slowly looking at Binge banter on with his story.

BINGE
So as soon as I get over there, I know there is some big drama going on. She found a gun in her bedroom and she knows it's not hers. What she going to do? Call every guy she ever slept with in the past  two weeks who carried a gun? That could take days and tip off some big gang war or something. I'm like hey? Why is this my problem? She takes off her robe and promises me that if I help her she will hump my brains out. A guy who looks like me will say what the hell, I'm in. So I asked where is it? She says the bedroom, and she keeps it so damn dark all the time, except when she filming something. "It's in there" It's dark, everything she has in that room looks like a stinking weapon. I ask "Can you be a little more specific?" She yells "Between the ATM machine and the soiled condom bucket!" AS I put on my rubber gloves I think to myself "And yet, I love her.....

With that note, Binge downs the poured shot and smiles.

BINGE
Thanks a lot Brutal, see ya tomorrow.

Binge starts to exits

BRUTAL
BINGE!

Binge stops, thinks he's busted.

BRUTAL
Binge, whatcha do with the gun?

A relieved Binge continues.

BINGE
So I figured the best thing to do is just ditch it
 This thing could be hotter than hell. I decided to take the ferry to the West Bank
and drop it in the middle of the river. Can I get another shot? Remember the news last week?

BRUTAL
You mean the terrorist attack on the Algiers Ferry that triggered World War Three?
 I think I heard about something like that on the news.
That and the Saints won again. You was there?

BINGE
Dude, I caused it.

Cut to Binge on deck of Algiers ferry. Nice day, decks are packed with cars.
Binge tries to causally pull gun from his waistband to drop the weapon
over the rail. Out of no where a Pelican swoops into him causing him to
drop the gun. It hits metal deck and goes off striking a car.

Before the first shot is fired cut to the back of ferry where a
nerdy liberal is boasting about his eco-friendly car.

LIBERAL
Mine is more Eco Friendly that yours. Mine runs on Hydrogen Gas.

Just then his car gets struck triggers a massive explosion.
Cut to ferry going up like the movie DeJa View.


Fireball rip across ferry, Binge dives on deck.
Everyone else hits the decks.
Binge lies face down on the deck as shrapnel
ricochets about him.

He looks up and see the gun he dropped lying in front of him.
Binge stares ta his gun, flings his arm striking the pistol.
It slides towards the edge of the deck, but doesn't fall into the water.
Binge grimaces. Then another car explodes, knocking the pistol,
knocking it into the water.

As Binge is exiting the ferry, police, fireman, and EMT workers, feds
are waiting. Binge pushes past the emergency workers, his back is on flames..

BINGE
No, thank you. I'm fine, really. No I don't want to go to the hospital.
No, I'm fine, I was already on fire when I got aboard in Algiers. Thanks anyway.

Cut back to Polly's

BRUTAL
Wait, you said she has a soiled condom bucket in her bedroom next to an ATM machine?

BINGE
Huh? Yea, one condom bucket in the bedroom and another bucket with ducks on it in the bathroom.
I know because it's somehow my job to empty them twice a week.
Can I get another shot? Thanks. You interrupted my story.

Mesmerized, Brutal pours the third shot.
Binge downs it, darts for the door.

Brutal is grinning thinking about Binge's story.
He suddenly comes to the realization that Binge didn't pay.
Grin turns into a grimace.

 

 

(ONE WEEK EARLIER)

Lance and Jody's house.
They are just chilling in the living room, stoned and
munching out in front of the TV. Local news interrupts
with helicopter footage of smoldering ferry.
News caster is reporting in a hurried voice.

SUPER HOT NEWS ANCHOR
Details are still coming in. Possible Iranian terrorist strike on a passenger ferry in New Orleans.
Our government has placed us in a state of emergency at the highest possible levels.
The president is scheduled to speak momentarily. The latest account is...

With that Binge bursts in smoldering.
He instantly grabs the remote and clicks off the TV.
 

BINGE
Hey guys, let's play cards.


JODY
Oh, my god! Were you there?

BINGE (not really knowing the news.)
Well, yea kind of. But it was not entirely my fault, ya see there was this Pelican that
came out no where after I found the gun in the soiled condom bucket at Athena's.

Confused, Lance reaches for the Remote.
Clicks on the Television.
A panicked trying to remain calm anchor continues.

SUPER HOT NEWS ANCHOR
...the first waves of Israel fighters and bombers have reached their target.
Their president keeping his vows of defending Israels allies. We now go to  our corespondent in the middle east.

LANCE
AW DUDE! You fucked up big time.

JODY
Niiiiiiiice. You wanted to bang the Whore of Babylon, and the whole world has to suffer Armageddon.
Nice going asshole.

BINGE
But, it was the Pelican. There's one mentioned in the book of Revelations, Google it.

LANCE
I can't believe you triggered world war three.
What were you thinking?

BINGE
I was trying to get laid. You're a guy, you understand...

JODY
Lance, don't you ever dare to rag on MY FRIENDS again..

Cut to several days later.
All three sitting in same spots.

Empty food containers and snack bags surround them.

SUPER HOT NEWS ANCHOR (very somber)
So far that has brought the number of Nuclear detonation to a total of four.
We have been reporting for the last twenty four hours of mass suicides amongst cult members from around the world.
There has just been another in Norway of fourteen thousand who jumped into a Fjord.
Authorities in Norway announce a spiral light...

HOLD ON, we have another incoming report coming in of a
possible nuclear detonation that would bring the total of five in
what is being named "the shot that ended the world. "

JODY
Well, was she worth it?

Binge looks to Lance and grins ear to ear.
Nods. Lance looks back, stoned and laughs.

Jody Huffs

BINGE
Look, there was a pelican I told you...

JODY
Which one of the Four Pelicans of the Apocalypse was this?
LO! In the end times there shall be a pelican and a stripper
walking downeth Bourbon Street. They shall encounter the town idiot...

LANCE
That would be you dude.

I stopped writing it there, I figured no way would it ever make it past the producers. Some funny bits in it, so rather than to never have it heard I thought I would post it in this blog.

Don't worry, the other episodes are a little more up beat.

So much talent.....

New Orleans can boast of having excess in so many ways, humidity, beads, calories... and talent. Down here talent is the rule, not the exception. I have met and made friends with folks who are just overwhelming with creativity. Painters, musicians, writers and actors. I have hung out on a couch with friends channel surfing and stopped mid click to say "Hey look. There's my friend Robert playing a cop." I get to go out for a beer with the artist Peter O'Neill and we hardly talk about art, just politics.

My friend Chris over in the Marigny turned me onto the music of Canadian born Lindi Ortega. She has a voice that I could best describe as "haunting." Talented guitar player, writer and singer who is not hard to look at either. Chris showed me her video for "Black Fly" that was very well done and shot down in the swamps here in Louisiana.  The song had my attention from the opening chords, her voice had me hooked. I dig old fashion dysfunctional love songs. As we watched the video on YOUTUBE, it suddenly struck me that my friend Chris was playing the drunk asshole boyfriend in the video. Again, in New Orleans you get accustomed to people you know personally popping up in TV commercials, on stage or in background of films. Chris is an extremly talented classical guitar player and actor. Although having hung out with him on Frenchman, I'm not too sure how much "acting" he did in this video.

Here are some links to Lindi Ortega,  check out more of her work.
lindiortega.com